Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Whew, deep breath.

Oh yes, it's been some time since I've written here.

I'm sure most of you that know me assume that the abandonment hiatus was brought about by my inability to stick to anything. Normally you would be right but this time that was not the case.

I don't want to go into all the details, because overexposure was the problem in the first place, but in a nutshell:

I became afraid of my blog.

One night out after a few too many I posted a video on YouTube exposing a little bit too much of my feelings/life/circumstances. The point was to use it anonymously as part of a project, with no intention of it being seen by anybody who actually knows me. An incredibly flawed plan if you're not half in the bag/feeling hopeless at 3 am.

The problem was, my YouTube account is connected to my Facebook.

So, the next morning afternoon when I awoke I saw that said video was linked to on my Facebook account, and also reposted by well meaning friends. I instantly deleted it from my wall and later made toe video unviewable, before deleting it completely.

Now, I'm a relatively open person, but this was exposing not only my life but the lives of others. The exposure of those I care about because of my carelessness is what resonated within me so much.

I felt a sense of betrayal, but the only thing at fault was my own carelessness. Then the social anxiety set in. And even though my blog was in no way related to my mishap, I needed to hide from any sort of internet exposure for awhile which included my blog. I went back to posting on Facebook, etc, but the blog took a little bit longer. Looming in the back of my mind, me longing to write again but hesitant to take the first steps. The heartbeat thud-thud-thud of small panic whenever I'd try to push myself to write the words I'm writing now.

Sometimes, I get afraid of the world. I've lost jobs because of it. Panic strikes and I can't will my body to move from its hiding place under my bedcovers. I cringe if I hear a roommate walking about because that means I can't eat, use the restroom, without them seeing me.

Due to my carelessness, I've now learned that same feeling of anxiety can happen for me online. But, I've gotten over it.

And I'm back.

1 comment:

  1. well I didnt know any of this ..... I never saw any video.... so I'm glad, Lindsey.... try not to go away again..and sometimes people should hear the truth.... the truth is the truth.. I love you
    you are terrific... if you really think you made a mistake...we'll you're in good company....what is that saying? Don't get stoned in glass houses?