Saturday, March 17, 2012

How to Celebrate Paddy's like the Man Himself

Are you bored with the way Americans (or, Insert-Your-Country-Here. I have a limited world view due to my lack of omniscience!) celebrate St. Patricks Day? Do you think celebrating like the Irish still isn't "authentic enough?" Well here is a list of ways you can spend March 17th just like the holiday's namesake- St. Patrick . 

- Go to an English pub, and drink English beer. Not to be a hipster or "ironic." St. Patrick wasn't Irish. That's right. He was English.

-Become a slave. Apparently the young Paddy found his way to Ireland via kidnapping from his wealthy English family's estate, and was sold into slavery tending sheep.

-Own slaves. See "wealthy English family's estate" above.

-Take hallucinogenics and/or develop schizophrenia. After all, it was the voices that prompted St. Patrick to escape from Ireland. And also, to return to Ireland.

-Persecute anybody with religious views that are different from yours. After all, there are no snakes in Ireland, and there never have been. Snakes were used to symbolize the evil, and what war really driven out was pagan beliefs. So, have all of differentially-religious neighbors evicted, then spread the word that ridded the building of cockroaches. It's the modern day, apartment version of the banishing of the snakes. Well, it would be if you made sure to kill a bunch of 'em in the process.

-Die, but leave everyone around you confused as to when March 17th is the accepted date of St. Patrick's death, but there are 4 possible stated years of death on his Wikipedia page: 420, 460, 461, and 493. It's possible they clear up which date is the real one, I didn't pay that close attention.

Of course, you could always cut to the root of the United State's version of Paddy's Day. Have a slice of apple pie while playing baseball. After all, the modern idea of how to celebrate St. Patrick's day has "almost nothing to do with the real man" and "was basically invented in America by Irish-Americans." (Luther College Professor Phillip Freeman).


  1. I will be withholding your corned beef for next year. Just because. Mwah ha ha ha ha.

  2. great! informative and really entertaining!

  3. hahahahha this was hilarious. Sending it to my friend who just asked me what St Patrick's day was all about . I told her I didn't really know the history but now we do and how to celebrate it properly the next go round!!!

    1. Thanks for the comment! I'm glad you liked my list.